Thursday, August 24, 2006

Counting my blessings? Perhaps

I have never asked my parents for a reason when they visit their friends or distant relatives in the hospital. It is because they know it is very hard for me to get over the experience of seeing someone in such a vulnerable situation. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and not know how to react.

This is exactly what happened to me today. The convulsing and the sound is still ringing in my head and the image is still vivid. Just like how i could not face my maternal grandfather 4 months after his operation and despite the fact that he looked much better than his internal and external hemorrages that he had sufffered, i was too stunned to be able to help or even have a reaction.

What i remember after the incident was me telling Wan Wen that its amazing how someone can be so tough yet so vulnerable. I was also quite numb to what was going on but i could not help rolling my eyes after every single shot that the photographer took of Evie, Tricia, Lisa, Wan Wen and me. All i could think of was how i am putting on fake smiles while others were standing around or being of somehelp. Also, the geog tutorial that followed had a silence that unnerved me and Mr Chen as well. It wasn't a silence that was eerie, rather it was a silence that was fit after the 'commotion' and something that i didn't want to end.

The sms did calm my nerves although i can't help having that image come to my mind when i am not doing any work. It is not like i do know him well or i emphatise with him, it is just my nerves that respond to such situations. I think it is a horrid thing to say that i am sad or symphatise him because i know that i do not feel that. I just do not know what to feel for him or for others or for myself.

This is the reason why i refused to continue with Science especially Biology after sec 4. I just cannot look at something/someone in the same light after whatever happens.

I know that as much as i try to place this incident at the end of my brain, it will always remind me of its presence. I feel that all i can do is to keep in mind that i may have to face situations where i may not have the help of anyone. I will have to slowly but surely make myself harder to such incidents. Whether i succeed or not, i do not know as only time can tell me that.

I will be fine without a doubt, i am not depressed. I am just troubled. I am thankful for life and its fruits both the rotten ones and the juicy ones. I have never counted my blessings before although i am thankful for them. I have learnt alot from what life and God have put forward infront of me and will continue without a doubt.


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