Sunday, November 19, 2006

I want to get out - i really do

Despite all the joy of knowing that the end of the A levels is here, there is a tinge of forlornness in my heart.

Yeap, the exams are about to be over but i just cannot see past it. I just want to start anew.

Last night i was freaking pissed with myself for absolutely no reason and over issues that i have no control of. I was really seething with anger and i actually surprised myself when i replied a snappish No in response to my mum's genuine concern as to whether i was feeling cold in the car.

I feel that i am too cloistered here in Singapore due to my parents and their ways, the preplanned route that one has to take without questioning in Singapore and the fact that i can never get out of Singapore cause 1) my parents ain't rich enough to sponser my education overseas 2) if i do want to get out, i need a scholarship and i do know my own limits - i am not scholarship material 3) my parents are too cloistered in their own world for them to allow me to go into the supposed big bad world all on my own.

Besides, what I really want to do now is to go off to some other huge country where I can be someone based on my own merits -I can work for myself; be liable for my own actions such that i will no longer be falsely blamed for things going wronged and not having anyone claiming my credits, as i know that i do not point fingers at others just to save myself; if i am sick and tired of the place, i could go off on a weekend drive, have a breather and then start the new week all fresh and happy and finally i will not have to fend for anyone.

If you want to say that i am escaping my problems, i think u have got it all wrong. I have never run away from any problem till now, i have always met these problems and got them over and done with and cast the remains aside. I just want to get away from probems that are a result of others actions. I am just tired of the kind of life that i am living right now and i just can't do anything to make it right because seriously a divine miracle is needed to to make things go back to how things used to be. But even if things were better i doubt if i will be able to feel the same way because really the relationships have been too severed for them to as great as before.

Sometimes i do wish for a guardian angel that would come and take me a way and ask me what is it that i want to do in life. I really do not want to be another one in the sea of people that are going down the road that has been taken before and will always been taken.

I am not criticising Singapore. Yea sure it has its merits: its safe, clean, has a good standard of living etc etc.

Its just that i rather go off to another country and be a 2nd class citizen on the basis that i am an immigrant rather than being a 2nd class citizen in Singapore on the basis of my parent's income etc and more importantly being overshadowed by those high salary earning expatriates and the extremely "bright" foreign talent. ( I may sound childish, but this is how i feel, i am not condeming the singapore government or anyone. I am just frustrated.)

Today was the first time i understood why Maya Angelou used the title I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.

I will belt out my horrible rendition of Tis the season to be jolly on the 23rd because i will be happy that the exams are over. But at the same time, another phase of my life will be gone once again in the same manner like those before. I just do not want the same to happen for the time that is lying in front of me.

I really do wish that i could do something.


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