Lost in the Wilderness

Sunk in the blues without knowing why and how.

Is it the family or is it my personal drawbacks.

Left the permanent position with the hope of pursuing a position where i can work towards a better career.
Convincing the parents was never easy and it got worst.

Had a break for 3 weeks and the atmosphere at home is sparking with high tension.

The need for a support has grown so fierce that i failed in the certification that could have gotten me the better job.

My daydreams ruined all of that i am just down, without any helping hand that can push me up.

All the motivation and self confidence seems to have drained out of me without my realization.

Gone with the wind

Its approaching a year at the current position and i have realised that my childish ideals of the glamourous working life have been utopian indeed. The dreaming eyes have been opened and resulted in a mind boggling reconsideration resulting in the million dollar question as to whether to simply look at monetary benefits at the cost of mental and physical satisfaction.

The 2 weeks break taken simply to rest and relax at home did work its magic however the search for alternative positons showed an opportunity cost of job satisfaction vs job title.

While re-reading Good Wives by Lousia May Alcott, my thinking was reinforced  that it is a demanding world that never fails to expect women to be well versed in the feminine aspects of life despite financial independence. And this notion stands true till this day.

So i wish that my desire of being comfortably settled in life is not compromised with and although it seems my ideal have gone with the wind, i do wish that i may have the opportunity to give a young mind and heart the gentle nudges as she ventures through the stages to Womanhood.

AnneJ smiles

Is it called narrow thinking or no thinking

Sure they r my seniors but the fact tht they have been in the same position for 4.5 yrs is a little shocking for me and made me consider abt how i view them.

Mayb he has been earning his incentive but the work scope is pretty much the same as mine except tht he manages 10 ppl. its great no doubt but 4.5 doing the same thg? with no change in management position?

He never failed to tell me off when i read the papers for 10 mins when he actually goes for freq smoking trips. i thought tht is almost like a basic necessity to keep up w what is gg on in the world n how ur company may b affected.

Its bad enough tht there r no newspapers in the pantry so the only access i have to the outside world is whatever little i catch when coming to work or the FT headlines i get on the email.

With the upcoming US elections n the fact tht i wanted to follow it like i did last time, i brought my radio to work thinking if i cld hear my collegues radio tht is 2 tables away, listening to the news wld b fine.

Its my mistake tht i raised the volume a little when Obama's speech to the congress began n the other senior working for 10 + yrs looked ard n asked what is it tht i am listening to. From the look on his face it seemed like he did not want to hear the news so lowered it. i tried to b nice by asking the guy working for 4.5yrs if it was loud. n he replied saying if music its fine but anythg else is distracting.

Thts when i reduced the volume till only i can hear n made a mental note tht these ppl r comfortable in their jobs n do not want anythg to do with being aware abt whats gg on w the world. sure they will b fine in their lives but as for me; i guess i will just continue to listen to the news twice a day at a almost inaudible volume n just update myself if no one else is interested.

So thts tht n they can keep their thinking (whatever) it may b n i will keep mine. Lesson Learnt!

Thorns prick before the Rose can be appreciated!

N i got the job, its just that i started asap, had relatives over so took a leave for 4 days or rather 7 days counting the weekends n ph. N then it was back to work where the pressure took toll on me and i got all jittery and teared a few times. The atmosphere was such that i had started to think that i had taken the wrong step and i had to redo a few things.

Now that was 4 weeks ago, have seen the gentle side of my colleagues, saw that i can meet the targets and as a newbie i am not expected to do as much, am given my room to adjust and perhaps i saw things in a different light from what was going on.

So its pretty safe for me to say that yes my new perm job, is great and i do see myself going to great heights from here. The Spiritual aspect of me never fails to remind that what God does is for a reason and thorns will always prick before the rose can be appreciated.

Now that i am busy with early morning commutes n evening commutes back in the train, do not expect regular entries but i shall stop by when i can.

Tata ya'll
AnneJ Smiles ;>

Disappointments in life

Well there is a rather dull period ongoing for me.

Harshness in every person. They could be right while i am ignorant but to pick on the small details and lash out at me seems rather.....how do i say it.....harsh.

If i am really as incapable as they make me out to be, why don't i get the same response from others? For me to keep proving myself to their expectations and standards gets rather tiresome.

When you get to much of a certain behaviour, it is sure to rub off its pessimism. No matter how hard i try to keep myself cheered and appreciative of life, there has to be a direct or indirect way of the blues hitting me in the face.

I have always hated comparisons with others in terms of material goods and standards as a kid, but now it seems that i may be rewriting my own rules without knowing it.

People keep saying that if we hope for the best we will get it or we may end up with better than the situation that one can be in, but it seems that if one hurdle has been surpassed another comes and presents itself with much splendour. If the situation wasn't bad enough, others ensure that they rub in the harsh realities with much force that i am left wounded.

Sure i am happy go lucky and carefree but situations do have a way with spoiling a major portion of a rather good day. Thus i tend to have my insecurities that i work hard on hiding. Putting on a brave front. Crying behind closed doors and wiping them off before showing up in front of others. Putting off my wishes to facilitate others. It is all rather frustrating when not one ounce of appreciation is shown.

So if there is anything i can do....is to enjoy the minute things in life that is offered, to dream big and pray that it comes true.

AnneJ

A new whole new World

Things have been checked off my bucket list, Graduating with a degree n throwing up the graduation hat.

 

Unfortunately landing that dream job has been playing cat and mouse with me, n the media hasnt helped with all the news about fresh graduates finding it difficult to find jobs etc. As for me, i have my hopes up but the thorns that prick is friends landing jobs, announcing engagements, getting married and broadcasting their lavish honeymoons on facebook.

 

While i am really happy for them, as i do dream and wish for the same things...i feel like my hard work hasnt been supported by my luck or destiny should i put it that way although a few astrologers and people have mentioned that the future is bright for me.

 

All these thoughts have left my head spinning and in a self pitying mood that led me to unproductive activities. Although i can say i have decided not to partake in them after indulging in them for hours yesterday and earlier part of this day, i have decided to catch a movie, to finish off my lamenting.

 

Like i have heard that wallowing and self pity often takes a toll on those who yearn for activity in their life, the same applied to me. Once again, i can truthfully speak that my thoughts have been affected by the thoughts of others and the outside atmosphere.

 

Enough of these incoherent ramblings, as putting my feelings down in words have helped and i have realised that like always my hard work will pay off. So a warning to the world, i shall attack with full force after 4 hours.

 

Till then....i shall enjoy the movie and adious to all;>

AnneJ

 

 

And the haircut does wonders

The haircut was scheduled for today and i surprised myself when i told Mr R to go ahead and give me a shorter cut that would change the look.

 

As a kid i never enjoyed looking at myself after haircuts and this stayed through my teens and into adulthood. This time round, the haircut was almost like cutting away unwanted area in my life and memory that were holding me back.

 

The lost of about 5 inches was like removing the burden off my shoulders and just being who i am.

 

The wind through my hair and a bounce in my step made me all the more pleased with my cut.

 

All this sure has made me optimistic and will continue to stay so......toodles all ;>