Monday, May 21, 2007

Just when i thought

that i had shaken off all the worries and left it in the hands of those two in my house, i realised what a bitch that outsider is.

At first i thought that i was going to rant, but now i simply can't form the words. Tears would form in my eyes and make it seem as if there is a well of tears waiting to burst out but all that come out are two tears that will roll down my cheeks and fall onto my t-shirt.

I had thought that i had seen the worst but apparently i hadn't. I had thought that there was limit to what people would do for money but there isn't. I had thought that if i leave matters up to those to things would fall into place but clearly that isn't going to happen thanks to that bitch.

Now that i have learnt that she has been the one fueling the fire of discord in my house, i really could not think of what to do. I had thought that when i get back home today, i can start on finalising which other route am i going to be taking thanks to that rejection letter that i got.

But clearly someone out there is bent to make our lives miserable, while she is having fun. I could slap her but i know that things aren't going to change with the slap. And there is nothing else that i will do.

Goodness, i just need a break. I know i won't get that any time soon. So thats that.

There was a time when i used to think that people who slash themselves are silly but now i think i understand why do that. At least they will be able to feel a pain that is tangible than the pain and sorrow that they are going through.

Maybe i should stop wallowing in self pity as there are people out there in the world who may be worse of than me. I think i should.

Maybe i have and maybe i have tried to move on but every time i take a step forward i do not see a path, instead i see a never ending abyss.

While sunshine is guaranteed after every thunderstorm, the devastation and destruction that the storm leaves behind cannot be erased or hidden by the glare of the sunshine.

I do know that life isn't a bed of roses but the irony lies in the fact that i can't seem to get Bon Jovi's Bed of Roses out of my head.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Whats Stopping me?

I had thought i would treat myself by pre-ordering the HP book 7 but i didn't.

I was a total fool today at the place i work (for those of you who do know please do not announce it on my blog, there is a reason. Sms/email me and i will tell you.) and i gloriously covered it up before they realised what a horried fool i am.

Oh and just a thought, i want to go roller blading when its raining - doesn't have to be pouring, drizzling will do. I think it would be grade. Am just worried that the blades will stink if they don't dry properly and my scorpian prowlers are mighty expensive.

Swimming in the rain - been there, done that. Its a glorious feeling especially when i take a huge breath and stay underwater to see the rain fall right into the water. Swimming under the hot sun - done that loads of times, evidence 1: never fading tan due to the layers of tan that have accumulated over the years and evidence 2: hair that turning lighter after every single session these days. My mum who always bugs me to exercise ends up getting a "heart attack" when she sees these 2 evidences.

How am i supposed to water proof my blades? I think i am going bonkers once again.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Whats left

I have given up hope about the situation at home. If there is a God, i hope you will listen to my prayers and take into consideration the vows that i have taken. I am not going to be the least bothered about the situation at home no more. I do know that it will affect me. my mood will go bad etc but i really can't lose who i am at the end of the day.

I recently realised that my personality has had a major change although many can't tell as i am pretty much the same on the surface.

Have to work on that. Besides, i feel that i am just ruining my own life and future by fretting over something that was not caused by me and does not revolve around me. If they are interested in patching up, so be it. If not, i am leaving it in the hands of whoever is out there. If they care about me they will try to fix the situation and help themselves. But i am not going to do a single thing about anything from now on.

Seriously, there is a limit to how much pressure i can take, there is a limit to the facade of being happy and fine when i am actually worried and depressed deep down inside. It may be wrong to swear but i swear that i am just sick and tired of all this.

Its not as if i don't have enough worries in my life that i have to carry the burden of your worries and make you happy at my expense. So thats it. Lesson learnt: If others want to live a happy and carefree life at my expense they can jolly well go lie in the mud because that is where they won't have to face any worries as i simply do not care anymore.

Call me selfish in this matter and i shan't give a toot about you as i have had it and thats my limit. I am still the same caring person that i used to be but don't expect me to trust easily from now on.

I swear this world is filled with selfish people and it just so happens to be that i have met the majority of them.

Moving on, i think i will make a shout out to Marlina. It was such a pity that you left and we couldn't meet you. I really wanted to meet you and pass you my note and the bangle/bracelet that i got for you. Hope you liked it. Besides, do keep in touch when i get the time to come on MSN or send you a email. Am really sorry for this late message as i have been bogged down by loads of things, one being the above mentioned issue. So i would just like to thank you for those great times that we spent together in school and i sincerley hope that you have a great life ahead and all your dreams come true. Cheers girl and take care.

So thats that and i am left filling a whole lot lighter. Now that i have tossed the burden off my shoulder, i can worry about my life and related problems.

So do expect the old girl that used to be up to crazy antics pretty soon.