Dissapointment but always look on the Bright side of Life

Got back results and i did miserably, i had known i would get a F but not 2 Fs. Although i feel miserable, i guess the only way i can go is up. Although i shouldn't really blame it on anything, i was not able to study during the March holidays. Well this is really a wake up call for me and i really have to start hitting the books. What i realised is that i need my content to fill the huge gap from where i am to the grades that i do want to achieve. I just hope that these results will be a wake up call to someone else as well and actually i think it will be a rude shock considering if Mrs Logan has to call him up.

Another reason for the gloom is the soccer match yesterday. The MJ soccer guys were against SAJC for the qualifying rounds and they lost 3-2. Both goals were scored by Adher and both were fantastic. The thing that really makes us sad is that, more goals could have been scored had the players been more aware of what was going on and not when the ball hits his head. There is no doubt about Adher's abilities but since he is playing a team sport, he does need the support of his teammates for the good of the whole team, like he told Lisa this morning: everyone was congratulating him on his goals but whats the use if it doesn't help the team. Another horrible thing that happened during the match is the lack of support from the Meridians who came down to watch the match. Whats really interesting is that those who were pretty reluctant to cheer the team were mostly made up of J2s. This is really disspointing considering that they witnessed the Finals last year and the J1s who had just entered MJ are more enthusiastic and seem to have more school spirit. So these two reasons combined to prevent me from sleeping last night after i got home from debate training yesterday as the match was replaying in my head repeatedly and my throat hurt from all the cheering and screaming.

Despite all the disspointments this week brought, i have a feeling that the next one will be a improvement as I can make a difference in my results, MJ can beat ACJ on Monday and perhaps the MJ supporters will be more supportive. To all those that are feeling down, cheer up and look on the bright side of life. It doesn't hurt anyone including yourself to be optimistic and it can actually give you a psychological boost to persevere. With that I can't wait for what next week brings......

Post block-test "relaxation"

I decided long back that i am going to be taking the block test as an exercise. I studied a little for geog and literature and was absolutely ignorant about economics. Geog paper was tough no doubt, Econs was a complete shock so i played the guessing game and doddled on my mcqs, attempted the Market Structure Qn which i have absolutely no knowledge off, Shakespeare is a complete gonner as i only wrote 1.5 sides as i couldn't comprehend the question and i have a really bad feeling of having angry red marks on my paper and Ms K hounding on me, Paper 8 was hilarious as i could only find contradictions and nothing else and Finally, Gothic was very Gothic indeed. So all the papers ended on Thur and my class finally decided to go down to Swensens and use up the voucher that we won from last year's lit debate, it was really sweet of them to try and get me to join them because I had to be there since i was part of the team but I couldnt firstly because i can't have anything except for the weird sounding smoothies they have recently added to the menu and 2ndly i had to meet up with my Debator Grls to prepare our case. Well actually we didn't really do much until 5.45 when we realised what the time was and completely freaked out.

It was great meeting the J1 debators, they seem fine right now. Its a good thing that we didn't follow in our senior's footsteps of completely ignoring our juniors and living in our own world. Had a debate, I was completely crap and i have a feeling that i am going from bad to worse in debates, i think its because i feel like joining a sports cca, but oh well its my dear Debator Grls that keep me coming back. For the first time, we could say "ladies and gentlemen" in our speeches since it was always all grls or it would be "ladies and gentleman" if David Gabriel was ever around. On the whole, i have a good feeling of this year's debate. Maybe we may finally accompolish something, i know our juniors definitely will and we will head down for their JCDC tourneys. The British Council Zero Carbon City debates are coming up. I would be glad enough to be a reserve and help the team because i really doubt my ability to debate these days. I have absolutely no idea why i feel this way. I have told Steph and Sinz about how I have been feeling but they always manage to cheer me up. Thanks a bunch grls, really appreciate it.

So besides debates, lessons have begun and i truely feel that the teaches should get a break from teaching just for a day and have a marking day, so that they wouldn't have to stay up till 3a.m marking like what Ms K does. Our new timetable feels really horrible and disgusting, I almost crushed it up. The possibility of having a short friday seems bleak and this has a bad effect on the class on the whole. Despite all the gloom that the horizan appears to be filled with, Lisa and I have decided that we would study together during our free periods and push each other to achieve our targets that we set for the mid-years. Although we took the block-test lightly, that is all going to change as we are going to work hard and put our noses down to our books. It is true that studying with friends and helping each other is indeed beneficial.

So thats about all that has happened in a week and it seems like life is going to get even more monotonous from now on. The eastern europe trip by the GP department has been set for June, the sign up list is up and I am confused if i should go , should my parents agree and i am allowed to go despite my horrendous block test results and i can get some form of vegetarian food. Oh well...it would be great to go although that would mean that i would have to really put myself in a daytight compartment. Well i could start by finshing Silas Marner for Ms K's lecture next friday by Sunday.....so that i can relax for the week and not feel bogged down with extra work besides homework.

Finding my study spot and Watching Oprah

I have finally found a spot in my house where i feel comfortable and at ease to study. Its my balcony, surronded by the potted plants, a straight view of the blue sky and white fluffly clouds rolling by, Light and Easy94.6 FM(malaysian station that has more music and less blabber by DJs although the stuff that DJs say is not rubbish, its productive to keep you company yet keep you focussed on your work) playing on my radio, the wonderful recliner like chairs from Rajasthan that is comfortable yet keeps you awake and allows you to relax when you need to. Its a wondeful refreshing spot. I think i know whay i lurve this spot, its because i lurve being surrounded by nature, just like the wondeful benches at NUS, the rickety bed under a huge shady neem tree in an Indian Village and the sturdy mango tree in a temple in India. Gosh these places are amazing to be in, top it of with a dog and they would be perfect. Have a chocolate, pear, apple when you feel like and a nice glass of Ice Lemon Tea by Seaons, makes studying all the fun.

I guess i am most probably gushing about this spopt because i have begun to look through my notes and finally feel productive. Although watching The Oprah Winfrey shows on StarWorld at 1.00 pm and Discovery Travel and Living is really productive as well. I learnt a wonderful recipe of mashed pootatoes( i know it seems like its just mashing those tates but it has a lot more to it) and a nice salad by Nigella Lawson who believes in Comfort food that is easy to cook up and wonderful to eat that makes you feel good.

This week i watched the Oprah Winfrey show about Justin Berry who was lured into the Porn World at the age of 13 and this show was truly shocking to one and all. He was lured then seduced than molested. It all began with him getting a webcam to make friends and one of his friends told him that he would pay him $50 for removing his shirt. Justin apparently didn't think of it as anything as he assumed that those people were his friends. This is because these people started all this really slow by saying "you are a great guy" etc and this happened after several weeks and not immediately. These people became bolder and asked him to do other stuff with their gifts becoming more extravgant as well. These paedophiles just kept increasing and Justin was caught up in the internet world of pornography. There were 1500 people on the net that were paying him for his acts. Justin, all this while, hid his ongoings from his mother and when a schoolmate found out about Justin's videos, Justin moved to Mexico where his father lived. When his father asked about his large amount of money, his father said that he would like to help his son, Not to get him out of this but to MAXIMISE the earnings. When i heard this, my mouth just dropped and i sat in a stupor and lost about 10 mins of what Oprah was saying. I mean what is happening to Fathers these days, fathers assaulting their daughters/ stepdaughters, engaging in activites which does not befit them to be called fathers. So with his father's "help" Justin set up a website and his father would go out and get him girls. Although, Justin was caught in this horrible web and wanted to get out, he simply couldn't untill a Journalist came along and decided to help Justin. Since i was still in a mild stupor then, i missed the name of the journalist. This journalist recruitted in the FBI and Justin being a smart guy had saved all the conversations and transactions,credit card information etc on a hard disk. When the journalist went through all these and went into all the websites, he was horrified to see things that he wishes that no would ever see or ever have to go through. As Justin spoke, it was easy to see that he teared often and his voice broke and thanks to my sense i could see that it was really hard for Justin to keep his composure.

A thing to note is that Justin is now 18 and all these began 5 years ago. Justin was a honours student, class president and in all ways a top student. Today, this guy is in hiding and under the witness protection as he would be testifiying in the court when the case opens as a federal witness. All this is because he has been recieving death threats.These death threats were made by those who were in the business, either watching or enabling it. To stop him from going onto the Oprah Show he was given a million dollar book deal, which Justin bravely declined because by the time the book would have been released, Justin would have lost many children to these predators. I truely admire what this guy has done by putting his own life at risk by appearing on the show. He also said that the Child Protection Software that most parents install is a joke as it is not of much use against these activites as it only prevents the children from giving out personal information. Justin also mentioned that it is these "friends" of his who gave him excuses and ways of getting around all these softwares and parent's questions. Justin's motive of having a webcam was to make friends and the journalist also said that many of these children lured into this world are often lonely and try to make friends and when these friends ask such "favours" they feel obliged to return them as they were nice to him as well. Justin's mother only learnt about her son's secret life when Justin was in hiding and called her. Justin's mother is another person that i truely admire as she didn't shoot down her son but instead told him to tell her everything and supported him for what he had finally decided to do.

The stuff that Justin said really made an impact on me. He said that many parents believe that their children who get good grades and are all rounders will not be lured into these activities are living in a fantasy world as it is especially these children who would be drawn into them. Justin's mother herself said that there is a limit to what parents can do to monitor as by the 6th grade, children know more about computors and the internet more than parents. The important thing, i feel, to do would be to maintain a good relationship with children and to give them the feeling that they would always be there for them should they need an elder's opinion, support or simply a listening ear.

The article in Today, Friday March 17 05 was what reminded me of this. The articles is They molested kids on demand- child sex ring busted in US, Canada, UK and Australia. According to the article, " the kids in these videos are getting younger and younger and the images more violent. the youngest was less than 18 months old." What I simply do not understand: why is there a need to be a paedophile. What is it that these people derive from watching and/or torturing these children forcefully. The question that keeps me frustrated about this topic is why the need to use children. Why rip away their innocence and childhood from them? The series of Whys in my head are never ending and it simply gets me infuriated. Do children now have to be afraid of elders who would be old enough to be their parents. Is the relationship between parent and child going to be ruined in this manner due to a certain few? Justin is only one of those that had the character, courage and responsibilty to come out with the truth to enlighten the world of what is going on behind these curtains. There are thousands of children who have been caught up and manipulated in this manner. What really breaks my heart is that there are loads of people in this world who would not know of such activites, ignorant you may call as many read newspapers or tabliods for entertainement sake, i am sure there are many who have not watched this show of Oprah's so there are loads of people who are not aware of what is going on. Perhaps in the USA, a majority would have watched this and told their friends about it but what about others in the world. If you lok at the article in Today, it is about half a page vertically but it is overshadowed by the Givenchy and Samsung advertisements. Many people who do read Today may actually have skimmed through the article or even skipped it. There may also be many who would read such articles but brush them aside.

Perhaps you may be thinking why do I have to be so fired up about this when obviously I am not involved or anyone i know has been involved. Well i guess its the way i am, but i simply cannot just acknowledge what is going on and just live my life like what i am doing. This is because it really does bring up the issue of what kind of society are we building? Recently in singapore the case of the little malay girl going missing and found dead, assaulted. The suspect is the father. The minute i read about this i was thinking to myself, this man has a wife so why the need to assualt his daughter. Does he recieve the right to assualt the girl just because she isn't his biological daughter but his step daughter? I just don't understand. My brain is being boggled up by the minute.

I think I will leave it here. I really admire Oprah for her work, many may think that she is just another freaking rich celebrity but i feel that she has become and even greater celebrity for what she does: raising awareness and bringing such controversial issues to light and helping those that really need help with her Angel network. Yes, she does conduct interviews with hollywood's famous but she also maintains really good relationship with them such that they donate freely to her. For example, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker together donates $30, 000 to the Angel Network. Julia Roberts and many others went down with Oprah to the sites hit by Hurrican Katrinna. Julia went down with trucks of food and other supplies. Yea, Oprah did earn and become famous due to completely different reasons but she is using this fame of hers to get people to watch her shows, thereby increasing awareness among the Americans. It is not only the ladies who watch the show although they are a lil bit more than the guys, the guys show her just as much respect to her. I truly admire Oprah Winfrey and her work

March Holidays = study break for Block Test

Oh gosh i really do feel as if i have loads to catch up for econs, lit and geog(which means all my subjects) and i simply do not feel like studying. Perhaps its because my mummy isn't here and i miss her, or maybe i am too infuriated to study, i just cant figure it out. So the march hols are here but we are supposed to be studying, and i am clearly not doing that right now. Perhaps i should try to file up my stuff, tie my hair back so that not a single strand irritates me, watch Oprah! and start looking through my notes with the hope that i will find my inspiration to start studying somewhere.

So a whole week past by but the post eventful day was friday because Marlz french braided my hair and it stayed that way till about 8+ pm untill i decided to let it go, and my dear classmates and i discovered a new way to take photos with the visualiser but couldn't unveil the mystery of how to remove them. Mrs Logan called us a bunch of *something* i forgot the word( it means people who love to look at themselves.well i clearly object that, its just that we enjoy taking pictures...crazy ones for memories of how we spent our time during the long breaks on fridays...hint hint to the timetabling commitee, make our ime able better before we break the visualiser, trying to turn it around and upside down...hehehe....) Ms K was just stunned and Ms Lim as usual thought that we were very childish. Well i tried to snap that photos using my hp. Its kinda blurred and hazy but for those who were in the photos can definitely tell who is who.

Tada the photos..... The 1st one was supposed to be a 05A202 levis ad, thats Lisa in the pe attire and me next to her on the tables. Marilyn at the 1st window, followed by Marlz, Radiah climbing on the window and Van grinning behind me and Lisa



The 2nd one was the 2nd shot where Van climbed up as well, but ended up in a rather comical pose, well not as cool and calm as Radiah






This is the 3rd shot, where Lisa and I were trying to do the Kappa logo, with Marilyn pointing at us and grinning, so was Van and i have no idea where Marlz and Rad dissappeared to








The 4th one is rather comical where it was freestyle monstrousity. Thats Me doing a egyptian style walk that went slanted as Lisa put her weight on my shoulder to jump, Van right next to us, Marlz in the backgound sitting, Radiah our star jumper on the extreme right and Marilyn in the foreground grinnin.







The next one was supposed to be one where we were laughing and its Marilyn who managed to have her original pose taking of trying to laugh a villianous laugh mwhahahaha, on the extreme right, van on the left, Marlz right behind, Radiah right in front and Me peering over her head.







This one was supposed to be a gansta-ah-lian picture, that made me look like a real gangsta and muhadher for some reason according to Mrs Logan. Thats me on the extreme left, followed by evelyn who was the leader of the other gang (it really looks like we were going to bash each other up...well the look was cultivated from our all girls secondary school background....hahaha) I have absolutely no idea who is between fuad, in pe attire and evelyen. Its lisa next to fuad and Van happily grinning for some reason







This next one is our favourite, the Man hunt pose. Its radiah on the extreme left followed by me in the back ground, van next to me, marilyn trying to swallow van and Marlz doing the running pose on the extreme right.This one is truely our favourite one.








This was all done with the courtesy of Justin the photographer, Alan who helped out towards the end and Marilyn who went over to supervise the work. So that was our crazy friday.

I just wanted to share some stuff that i was reading in a weekly journal and its amazing to read these quotes regarding parenting and i find them completely true:

1) Children are our most valuable natural resources - Hebert Hoover
2)Children have more need of models than critics - Joseph Joubert
3)The Best thing to spend on your children is time - Louise Hart
4)Children have never been very good at listening to elders, but the have never failed to imitate them - James Baldwin
5) Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression - Haim Ginott

So i have added some food for thought despite my ramblings. To my classmates, hope you have a great study break and to the rest have a great week ahead....toodles

When a Drunkerd speaks, it all comes out from the horse's mouth!

Having found you lying on the floor like a spineless human being and confronted you about what you were having, i also learnt what has been the cause(s) of your need for "release" by getting drunk. 1st is your sucky past which you blame on mum, her family and everyone else but yourself when you were the one that couldn't manage your life and 2nd you inability to accept that others are better than you and 3rd your absolute f**king stubborness. According to you a good father and husband is one that brings home the bread and butter and thats it, FULL STOP, nothing more than that. You say that your wife is making a servant out of you, ACTUALLY its you who treat your wife as a servant, as "she has no right to no anything about my money and what i do with it". I just do not see your rationale for anything. You keep harping on the past, on the present and the future, which no one has a darn idea about. You say its mum who screwed up your life, well if that is true who screwed up your first marriage since she didnt even no you the. Why the need for a farce infront of others to show that you succeed in giving up your alcoholic ways when you still sneak around and drink yourself stupid and senseless. Your pervert mind and falsly inflated ego is the main reason why you cannot let the past be, you cant learn to forgive others or what has happened when you don't even forgive yourself as you are infallible according to that pea-sized brain of yours, you keep fuming over what isn't even here, you keep being a hypocrite to everyone and to yourself as well, you can't handle relationships because you only take and never give and finally you keep living in your own dillusional world. You ask me to be your friend, and that is a fast one in itself as friendship isn't a one way thing as you aren't being a friend to me as you are an inconsiderate bastard. You cant clap with one hand, so don't expect anything from me or mum. ~to those reading this, i know that you will be taken aback by my language and the content but what i type isn't false and i mean every single thing that i said. I am not slandering anyone, i am just stating the facts that a man who calls himself a very good father and husband refuses to acknowledge, so do not take this personally and if you feel offended by reading this, i am sorry but you do have to accept that this is my own personal space, thank you.~

This is not the first time i have heard and experienced, first hand, the way indian men treat their wives in a Chauvinistic and degrading manner. A thing to note is that all these couples are well educated especially the men, earn good money and most of them live a lifestyle that is not tied down by age-old customs where women were treated like cattle, but have a western/ americanised way of life however the VERY SAD thing is that despite all the education(which is supposed to nurture an individual not to be prejudiced and learn to be objective) and a completely different lifestyle, their mindsets have not changed unlike their way of speaking and clothes. I am not branding all indian men to be such but there still remains a percentage who continue to behave in this manner, that brings down the image of Indians being wife beaters. If such cases in rural india occured, they would be understandable but not acceptable, because these people continue to live in age old traditions where somehow there is a compromise despite the injustice. All this reminds me of the books written by Jean Sasson on behalf of Princess Sultana.

I just do not understand why respect cannot be given freely and have to be fought for. I understand that trust is something that often requires some degree of time and other circumstances. If one gives another respect, isn't it only fair for that person to return it as well. Perhaps it could be due to the lack of acceptance. Whatever the reson is, i feel exhausted both physically and mentally, i am tortured mentally and i am afraid of what is to come.

Once again, i have blogged about something that has no solution to although i feel better from ranting. I am sorry once again, if i have offended anyone. I do not mean to offend anyone but my dad. Although i am saddened by the situations that keep arising, i can only pray that things get better for one and all. Reading a couple of my friends' blogs, clearly tells me that i am not the only one who is depressed, down and lost. All i have to say to my dear driends is that things may always not turn out the way we expected but the least we could do is to let the past be as the events have already occured, what we can work on is to use this as a stepping stone to move ahead. Its not bad to look at the past but it is harmful if you continue to live in the past thinking that things could have been different.

Thank you to all that have always been by my side and i sincerely pray that situations improve for the better.